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THIS WEEK

Why two kay?
OzzyPedro biggsy@mindless.com
Because if we had only one kay, we’d look pretty cheap now, wouldn’t we? Are you calling us cheap? 
- Simian - 
 

Finally a release for my questioning mind!!!!! Glad to see you are back in business... so my question will be a doozie.... ok... here.. it.... goes.... What is your interpretation of Platos "Parable of the Cave" and exactly how does it apply to what your are doing with this site, also how do you apply it to your everyday life and what exactly does that mean for me???
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
You're not hitting us up for the crib notes on this, are ya Flagg? I know Plato is really hard to read, so I'll save you the trouble; the moral is, in my opinion, Man is a parable. . . and then there is the whole "trapped in a cave" thing... YOU know.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What would you do if you woke up to your furby humping your arm?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
I would remove it's batteries. . . permanently. Then I would systematically disassemble the little horn dog and use the spare parts to animate my blender.
- Jason -
 

Should I be beaten senseless with an encyclopeadia because I have a mushroom on the dashboard of my red nissan?
Carnut Carnut15@usa.net
My uncle Fritzie is the captain of the high school soccer team, and he has mushrooms growing on his feet. He says they are his good luck charms. After dinner on Easter Sunday, he takes off his socks & does a puppet show, each of the mushrooms being a character in the crucifixion of Jesus. Mushrooms are kewl.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Which do you guys prefer? Viscous-coupling centre differential lock, or trapezoidal micro-cylindrical torque-sensing faucets?
John fried_cheese@hotmail.com
I prefer the rhombic encased tetrahedral macro-spherical slip differential type. . . They're more expensive, but they seem to work better near absolute zero.
- Jason -
 

Do Mimes have to carry pooper-scoopers for their invisible dogs? I'd hate to think that I was standing in invisible doo.
pookie lurghi@hotmail.com
Mimes carry alot of things - used Depends, body lice, intestinal parasites, nude pictures of Bill Gates - but they do not carry pooper scoopers. This is probably because mime dogs only pretend to poop.
- Simian -

Is sharing a gas mask considered romantic by most?
Fezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sidewinder_71@hotmail.com
Only the French. Back during World War II, when the little pansies were overrun with German troops, mustard gas permeated the countryside air. Since they had a limited supply of gas masks, they often had to double up. Necessity led to tradition, and now, when the need arises, the French are all too happy to cuddle up with their lovers and don a gas mask.
- Jason -
Watch it, Fezzzz. This is the exact same way that the Gulf War started - one minute soldiers are wrapping each other in sexy field dressings, and the next minute there is a big hoopla down at the lieutenant's camp! And how do you think they came up with the name "SCUD Missile" anyway?? Believe me, it wasn't derived from target practice! Drop it please! 
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What will you do to me if I do something naughty in here? (How you answer this will determine your level of perversity!)
Blonde blonde@wwwjustin.com
Are we talking "stripping and running naked through the halls" naughty, or are we talking " pottying on the carpet" naughty? If you strip, I'll get my camera and sell the pictures on the web. If you potty on the floor, I'll swat you with a rolled up newspaper.
- Jason -
 

Is this the place where you ask questions and get wacky and hilariously funny answers? Guess not...
Pablo pablo@crapco.com
Say Pablo, do you mean ‘wacky’ as in whimsical, comical, and capricious or ‘wacky’ as in I whack you with a sharp stick? Coz I don’t have a problem going all Medieval with a sharp stick, you know. 
- Simian - 
 

OK, here's my Good, Bad and Ugly situation. Good: I've made the right decision to attend the right training course which has the most perfect teacher who has helped me a great deal of inspiration and motivation to lift me to the top of my industry in no time. Bad: I think I'm in love with him. Ugly: I think he's gay. What do I do?
Hoaianh Vu miofashion@kittymail.com
He isn't gay! I am sure of it! Remember, Hillary? Don't you remember that whole "Monica" thing? The impeachment trials?? The CIGAR?? Remember??
- Elvis Shortliver -
Don't you just hate it when the object of your affection turns out to be gay? Do what I always did: stalk them until they get a restraining order. That's the only way to be sure that they're not interested.
- Jason -
 

Ok its is the new year so my question is when does it become the old year??
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Not only is FLAGG back, but he's broken into the cough syrup again!
- Simian -
 

How do I get my parakeet to stop blurting out, "help he &#@%s me when you're not here"?
Fish Fish@thefunnybone.com
Ummmm. . . I have two ideas: 1) Stop porking the parakeet, or 2) If you really must sodomize the bird, then do it when guests are there, and when it realizes that your guests won't be able to help it, it will resign itself to the life of an animal sex slave.
- Jason -
 

I'm lost.  I think I took a wrong turn at Heaven, and I've been on a back road now for almost 3 miles.  The last life I saw was a frizzled old woman eating a dog.  Should I turn back, or will I reach civilisation soon? Also, I seem to have some sort of rash.  Answer either question, I'm not bothered.
Afro Diziac mpgalvin@eircom.net
Let me see; you saw a frizzled old woman eating a dog AND you have a rash? Life hates you. Afro, this is what happens when you go to Canada for vacation.
- Simian -
 

The 31st of December 1999.... AAAAgggghhhhhhh its the end of the world!!!! We're all going to die!!!!  We're all going to be set apon by cannabalistic mimes put on earth by an alien race and then the world will go completely crazy, atm's will not work, pc's wont do the things they're supposed to do without being horribly cursed at...... hang on, isn't this the way we live anyway??  It's not as if anythings going to change is it?? PS.  Won't those people who stocked up on canned food, candles, water and batteries feel utterly stupid now... It's the year 2000... we're all still here, living the same boring existance we always were aren't we????
Jen marjen@bit.net.au
Elvis runs back inside his Y2K survival bunker. He believes he can faintly hear Jen's cries for help as he silently latches the deadbolt . . . 
- Elvis Shortliver -

Hello?? Hello?? Is anybody in there??  Am I talking to myself??  If I press submit... where does all this typing go??  Is it like toilet??  Does it get flushed down some drain into a bottomless pit??  Can I put the stuff in it that turns the water blue?? Hello??? Hello???
Funkywun...flaggs cute sister 
I know. Aren't the final moments before being born really the most awkward time of life? It's ok, Funkywun. Help will be there soon.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

In Australia, do CD-ROM drives spin backwards?
Big Ed  donkpunch@maiermedia.com
Yes, in fact, most things either rotate, fluctuate, or pivot backwards in Australia, though not because of the polar phenomenon. Poor workmanship & a drunken sea chanty have mostly been the cause of years of destruction & horrible nature shows devoted to this offshoot of England. Am I being mean? No, because I too secretly root for them in their quest to dig to the molten core of the Earth with a plumbing snake. Good luck, Aye? 
- Elvis Shortliver -
They have CD-ROMs in Australia? Are their CD-ROM drives an industrial techno-futuristic concoction of salvaged automobile parts a-la Mad Max? I suppose next you're going to try to tell me they have color TV too? Sorry, Ozzy.
- Jason -
Yes. And when you play a Hanson CD in Australia, you can hear the exact moment that Paul Hogan's career died.
- Simian -
 

Let me start by saying that I'm 16, yet in a fairly serious relationship. My girlfriend is about a year older than me and we've been dating for two months. My issue is that I'm Jewish and she's Wiccan. I can see religion becoming a conflict in the future and I'm wondering what I can do to avoid any major difficulty surrounding that issue. Thank you.
Ben artein@aol.com
She's a Witch & you're a Jew, huh? No big deal. Heck, my best friend is a vulture & his wife is a bottle of hair spray. It seems to be working out quite well for them so far. I would be cautious of the age difference though. Once women get past a certain date, things start to go wrong & I get punched in the arm for being a jerk. Ow!
- Elvis Shortliver -
I think you should both convert to Haitian voodoo and nip this little religion conflict issue in the bud. Look on the bright side. Voodoo allows you to turn someone you don't like into a zombie and make them your slave for life! Plus, you get to play with snakes and stuff.
- Jason -
 

It's been awhile, so I was wondering if you guys could write a question for me. You know, just to get me started.
Dominius "Push The Button" Mookpiloh mookpiloh@hotmail.com
Choice of questions for Dominius "It's Not Contagious" Mookpiloh:
1 - "Are you my Mother?"
2 - "Where's the beef?"
3 - "Ultra or Un-Leaded?"
4 - "Say, are you going to eat that?"
- Simian -